Writing Amusing Shorts

Some email messages amaze and amuse:

hi,
i am XXX, a freelance writer, mainly concentrating on web content writing. i would like to know if u could provide me with content writing projects.

My response: No, not if this is any example of your writing skills.

I, NAME, author of the book XXX am looking for an agent who will work on percentage. I am planning on publishing two more books in the near future. If you are interested please feel free to call me at (###) ###-####.

My response: Agents don't work on percentages? I am an agent?

I recently started writing work for Business Credit Cards as a content writer. I would like to write a guest post related to Freelance/Web Worker/Work-at-home on your site if you're interested in accepting such a post. If you are interested, please let me know and I can send you an article for you to look over.

The Deal:

I will write a good, useful post/article on Freelance/Web Worker/Work-at-home specifically for your website/blog, free of cost. But I will need a by-line to build up my writing career. In addition, there will be a link to the Business Credit Cards site in the by-line. So, it will help all parties concerned.

Please note: Since I am a professional writer, I can write any topic that appeals to the audience of your blog/website.

My response: Hmm. Let's see: trade a byline and link to a third party's business website for an article that I could write blind-folded and hand-cuffed, and the piece is written by someone who doesn't know that "since" does not mean "because". Yeah, sure.